Tuesday, January 4, 2011

The Bachelor

You all know how I feel about reality TV. It's a mild obsession. Let's be honest - mild is putting it nicely. And on the top of this list is The Bachelor.

I'm the first to admit that women are totally insane. So when you have 30 of them locked in a house for 8 weeks competing for the affection of one man...
The drama, the absurdity of it all... It's fantastic! So for the next 6 weeks or so, I'm going to share my thoughts with you on this season of The Bachelor.

This season is better than ever because the guy in question is a previous Bachelor contestant. Remember Brad Womack? Yes, the one who didn't choose either of his final two and left all alone.
Within the first 60 seconds of last night's show Brad was crying, and I knew it was going to be phenomenal. The women competing for Brad's affections this time around were not exactly pleased to see him when they got out of the limo. One woman even slapped him across the face.* I'll be honest, I wasn't very impressed with ABC's casting this season. The women are, to be frank, pretty trashy looking. I saw a lot of cheap hair extensions, dresses from their local Mandee's and way too much makeup. Here's my first impression of the ladies that I jotted down during the first rose ceremony:

Emily - Perfect Southern belle. Dead fiancee and a baby. Match made in heaven on paper, but I don't know about real life.

Raichel - Manscaper. Reminds me of a woman truck driver. Brad saying, "That is shockingly bare." Her saying, "The undercarriage and bat wings." Thank you Brad for letting us know you never want your package waxed.

Keltie - Rocket. Looks like she's 45 acts like she's 11. What kind of self-respecting woman says, "I'm bendy"??

Ashley S. - Gold one-shoulder dress. Says like every other word. I'm honestly concerned that she is 12, and am waiting for Chris Hanson to come out instead of Chris Harris. First impression rose?! I felt like I was watching a dad with his daughter.

Jackie - Artist. Yellow dress. She sang. Not well. And it was awkward. But kind of charming. I like her, but I don't think he'll pick her.

Alli - Green dress. BOOBS. Can you handle my big ass?

Madison - Hayden Panettiere, Fangs. Freak.

Michelle - COUGAR. Dress with a slit up to her nana. "I am a woman. Not a little girl, I'm a woman." Gold digger. Manipulative. Lady MacBeth.
I literally cannot wait to see what happens when things don't go exactly her way.

Ashley H. - Dentist. Possible the tiniest human being ever? So far has no personality.

Meghan - Ugly. Ass. Shoes. I really like this girl, but there is no excuse for that footwear.

Lisa M. - Kansas. Ruby red slippers
. Forgettable.

Lindsay - Big Red. Might actually be a man.
No but really. There is a drag queen she looks like and I've been racking my brain trying to figure out which one it is.

Sarah P. - Black strapless dress. Nothing
. Even as I'm writing this I can't remember who she is.

Marissa - Sports fanatic. Gorgeous dress. But that faccia
... ugh, poor thing.

Brit - Mop head. Her hair reminds me of Samantha James
from Just Friends.

Stacey - BOSTON!

Shawntel N. - Mortician. Yikes. She actually seems like a normal girl though.

Melissa - May also be a man. What's going on with her boobs
? They're so droopy!

Kimberly - Blonde. Nothing.

Chantal O. - The slapper. I guess slapping guys upon first meeting pays off. I may have to try it from now on

Final Thoughts: Crazy bitches, crying, whining, waking up with black eyes, Kiss from a Rose playing in the background, sweet smell of desperation in the air, the most shocking season of The Bachelor EVER.

*Note: Am I the only woman in American who doesn't hate Brad Womack?
I can't be the only one who thinks what he did is admirable - not settling, not leading these women on even further, even when everyone at ABC and the rest of America were pressuring him to make a decision that he wasn't ready to make. That takes guts. If I got out of that limo and saw him, he would have gotten a big high five, not a slap across the face.

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