Saturday, September 4, 2010

Putting Myself Out There

A few days ago I did something that I am extremely proud of.

I told someone how I feel about them. Not just someone. A guy. The guy.

Let's back up a little bit. Just so you understand what I'm saying. This is a person who I've been friends with for a while now. From the minute I met him, I was smitten. And then we became friends. And the better friends we became the more I realized that it wasn't a school girl crush. I like him very much.
Over the last year or so, we have had our moments. No matter what other guys I've dated or been interested in, for me, it always comes back to him. Last weekend, a particularly great weekend, I reached a point where I knew that I just couldn't play these games anymore. Because as much fun as we have together (which is a lot), it is not a game to me. My feelings for him are very real.

And so I called him and told him.

Girls are supposed to be good at talking about their feelings, right? Good at telling and showing people how they feel? I am not one of those girls. I don't know how to fawn over someone and be that laughing, silly, frivolous thing. You know that saying, Still waters run deep? That's me. I am the female version of Mr. Darcy. That conversation was one of the most difficult things I've ever done. I was terrified. My heart was pounding and as I dialed his number I could see my hands shaking.

So how did it all turn out, you ask?

He was the gracious guy he is. (Can be. Sometimes.) He was just as honest with me as I was with him. He said that he likes me too and told me how wonderful I am. He said that if he was going to be in a relationship, it would be with me. He said, "I don't know what's wrong with me. I'm 28 years old, I feel like I should want that, a relationship, but I just don't."

The kicker is that I knew this is what he would say. I know him well enough to know that's how he would respond. And despite knowing this, I told him how I felt anyways. Is that courageous? Or idiotic. Maybe both. But I did it, and I don't regret it for a second. There is nothing I could have said or done differently to change his mind. I'm not going to beg and plead with someone to be with me. I took a deep breath, put myself out there, and hoped for the best. The best is not what happened but I knew that risk when I dialed his number.

So now what do I do? Lick my wounds and try to tend to my not broken but heavily bruised heart? Necessary. Watch Moonstruck and listen to Billy Joel's "And So It Goes" 25 or 50 times? Eh, perhaps. Keep smiling, my eyes wide open, and continue hoping, not necessarily for him but just.. in general? Absolutely. Such is life.

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