Happy Valentine's Day

Ahh, another Valentine's Day is here. I love this day. I truly love it. And yes, I while totally agree with the people who say you should be romantic and celebrate love every day, I still think it's so wonderful that we have one special day set aside for it. You know, just in case the other 364 weren't enough.

For those of you who know me - or who have been reading my blog! - you may (not) be surprised to learn that although a year ago I had high hopes that 2011 could be the year I received my very first Valentine, it turned out not to be my year after all. I think 2012 could be it though, I really do. Truth be told, I am feeling more heart broken than starry eyed these days. I know I could write what's actually on my mind, but it's too much. Too personal and, for me, too sad. This is not the place and I'm not ready yet. So, instead of waxing poetic about why I'm single and how I'm feeling about it, I'm just going to share with you four things that, to me, represent love, celebrate love, and are, yes indeed, romantic.

A poem:
Wild Nights - Wild Nights!
Were I with thee
Wild Nights should be
Our luxury!

Futile - the Winds -
To a Heart in port -
Done with the compass -
Done with the chart!

Rowing in Eden -
Ah, the sea!
Might I but moor - Tonight -
In Thee!
Emily Dickinson

A Painting:
The Kiss
Gustav Klimt

A Song:

*Originally written for Johnny Cash. Who knew!

Some Quotes:

"I have learned not to worry about love, but to honor its coming with all of my heart." Alice Walker

"And unlike many of my doubts, these didn't arise out of my natural and well-developed cynicism. Because while I can be a cynic about many things, you may also have noticed I can be a bit of a romantic about others. I believe in love.
On the list of things I believe in, true love is tops."
Love Walked In by Marisa de los Santos

"You've seen the films, kiddo - it ain't over til it's over."
Love Actually

So I'm taking all the love I have, every last little golden drop of it, and sending it out to you, whoever you are reading this. You are loved.
And I hope you have a wonderful Valentine's Day.

Putting Myself Out There

A few days ago I did something that I am extremely proud of.

I told someone how I feel about them. Not just someone. A guy. The guy.

Let's back up a little bit. Just so you understand what I'm saying. This is a person who I've been friends with for a while now. From the minute I met him, I was smitten. And then we became friends. And the better friends we became the more I realized that it wasn't a school girl crush. I like him very much. Over the last year or so, we have had our moments. No matter what other guys I've dated or been interested in, for me, it always comes back to him. Last weekend, a particularly great weekend, I reached a point where I knew that I just couldn't play these games anymore. Because as much fun as we have together (which is a lot), it is not a game to me. My feelings for him are very real.

And so I called him and told him.

Girls are supposed to be good at talking about their feelings, right? Good at telling and showing people how they feel? I am not one of those girls. I don't know how to fawn over someone and be that laughing, silly, frivolous thing. You know that saying, Still waters run deep? That's me. I am the female version of Mr. Darcy. That conversation was one of the most difficult things I've ever done. I was terrified. My heart was pounding and as I dialed his number I could see my hands shaking.

So how did it all turn out, you ask?

He was the gracious guy he is. (Can be. Sometimes.) He was just as honest with me as I was with him. He said that he likes me too and told me how wonderful I am. He said that if he was going to be in a relationship, it would be with me. He said, "I don't know what's wrong with me. I'm 28 years old, I feel like I should want that, a relationship, but I just don't."

The kicker is that I knew this is what he would say. I know him well enough to know that's how he would respond. And despite knowing this, I told him how I felt anyways. Is that courageous? Or idiotic. Maybe both. But I did it, and I don't regret it for a second. There is nothing I could have said or done differently to change his mind. I'm not going to beg and plead with someone to be with me. I took a deep breath, put myself out there, and hoped for the best. The best is not what happened but I knew that risk when I dialed his number.

So now what do I do? Lick my wounds and try to tend to my not broken but heavily bruised heart? Necessary. Watch Moonstruck and listen to Billy Joel's "And So It Goes" 25 or 50 times? Eh, perhaps. Keep smiling, my eyes wide open, and continue hoping, not necessarily for him but just.. in general? Absolutely. Such is life.

Confession #3

I tried an online dating site.


Yup. Chemistry.com.

Why did I do it? Well...why not? I'm going to be very honest with you; I don't really have trouble meeting men. I'm no beauty queen, but I'm not completely unfortunate looking. And I'm friendly, I like meeting new people. But when I signed up for the site (about two months ago), I felt like I was in big fat rut. I hadn't been on a date in a few months. I hadn't met someone that I had a real connection with or that genuinely interested me in a very long time. It just so happened that one night my roommates saw a commercial for Chemistry.com advertising a "free communication weekend" they were having. All four of us signed up to see what it was all about. Unfortunately, we didn't pay very good attention and failed to realize that the free weekend ended at midnight on Sunday. We signed up Sunday at 10 pm. Geniuses.

The following week, I started getting emails and updates from Chemistry.com telling me about new matches and guys who were "interested" or had "noticed" me. Because I hadn't paid my dues yet, I wasn't able to view any of these profiles, but my curiosity was peaked. For about a week I debated whether or not I wanted to spend the money to fully activate my account. Was it worth it? I decided to throw caution to the wind and give it a try for one month. Just one month. After all, what did I have to lose?

I paid for one month and started receiving new matches right away. It was really fun at first, seeing the matches they'd send me and who was interested in me. There are a lot of fun little "get to know you" games that you can play with potential matches to learn more about them. Very early on I was matched up with a guy named Steve. We started emailing through the site and the more we emailed the more I realized he was someone I'd really like to meet. I was really relieved when he suggested it first though! We met one Saturday afternoon at the New England Aquarium and the entire T ride there I wanted to throw up. I was so nervous! But once I got there and saw him, all the nervousness faded away and I just had fun. What was supposed to be just an afternoon at the aquarium turned into dinner and drinks and a movie and long walks around Boston. It was far and away the best first date I've ever had. We went on many more dates over the next two months, and Steve and I would joke occasionally about how we couldn't believe that Chemistry.com actually worked. But did it?

I never felt it. That thing. The butterflies in the stomach thing. The giddy, slightly terrifying, but oh so excited feeling that you should feel when you start seeing someone you're really crazy about. Don't get me wrong, Steve is an incredible person. Handsome and smart and funny. Honestly one of the nicest guys I have ever met. On paper, everything was there. But in real life something just did not add up. There was a disconnect. It was, ironically enough, a lack of chemistry. I thought that maybe it would come. The whole "growing to love someone" thing. But it didn't, and the last two weeks of our little relationship I kind of agonized over what to say and how to tell him. When I called him one night a couple weeks ago to talk about it, he admitted that he had been feeling the exact same thing. That was a huge relief to hear, believe me. We talked for a while and decided to move forward as friends. While I'm not sure a romantic relationship is in the cards for us, we get along too well to just disappear from each others' lives and I hope we do stay friends.

So...what's the moral of the story here? I'm really glad I took a chance and tried online dating. It's not something I ever thought I would do and, I admit, I was a little outside of my comfort zone, but in the end it was worth it. Completing your dating profile means answering dozens and dozens of questions that force you to evaluate not only yourself but also what you're looking for in a partner, and I think that was something that was really good for me. While I didn't end up with a love connection, I certainly ended up with a good friend. I think one of the hardest things in dating is putting yourself out there. It can be scary. But that's kind of what I was doing in signing up for Chemistry.com. Just another way to put myself out there and let the universe know I'm ready for a relationship. Interestingly enough, almost immediately after Steve and I decided to officially end our romantic relationship, I met someone. Nothing has happened, no dates or anything. I've only seen him a couple of times since then out with friends and I honestly don't know if anything will ever happen between us.

But the giddy/terrifying excitement? The butterflies? They're definitely there.

And that's what I'm holding out for.